Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
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When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices