Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
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Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you