When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are