Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions