If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week