my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
The devil.