The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The only equipped I am is ill.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.