Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!