thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.