ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
happy friday
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.