FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
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Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls