The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
For when Tinder doesn’t work