A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in