Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket