if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Are you ok, human???
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*