Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.