Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
this chia pet tastes awful
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.