My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.