*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.