My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
You Might Also Like
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂