Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
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You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete