This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
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My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Not helping
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
12. I think about this all the damn time
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between