Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
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Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
When you’ve simply given up.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny