Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
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I beg your pardon?
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
when dads have a rap battle
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.