My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
When the stylist spins you back around
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.