The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
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*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we鈥檝e got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
You鈥檒l never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here鈥檚 how our landlord responded:
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I don鈥檛 think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
WELL WELL WELL if it isn鈥檛 the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
馃
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My life in a nutshell
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven鈥檛 had babies yet.