Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
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Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Bike for sale
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background