Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.