Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
War & Peace
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game