Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters