Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
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*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Meow
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Do not go gentle into that good night,
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.