[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
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State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
can’t talk my ride’s here
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*