[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
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Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
the three branches of government