The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house