Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes