I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My favorite female superhero
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know