got so much cardio in today
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My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Blew my mind.