The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
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Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far