I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
BRAKING NEWS!!
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.