“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
🤣🤣🤣
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March