My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
You Might Also Like
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Happy thanksgiving!
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.