My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.