When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”