parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
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Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.