Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door