I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Catercrombie & Fish
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…