Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
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[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
his wife is probably gonna see that
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.