“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
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My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*