The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
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Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time