Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
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Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Here’s a meme
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.